I read the article above and started thinking about some things which are necessary for getting your kids to do what you want. I started to write, "necessary for good parenting," but what I'm really talking about is keeping the relationship between you and your kids from disintegrating into a daily yelling contest. Whether it's good parenting is up to you.
Theorem 1:There are things that need to be done around the house, things that the kids benefit from. Your time is limited. So some of those things will have to be done by the kids.
Theorem 2: The kids don't want to do anything except have fun. Almost without exception, whatever you want them to do is not fun.
Corollary: There will be arguments about what you want them to do: watch less tv, make their beds, go to bed at a reasonable hour, etc.
So here are some things I think are necessary for solving this problem. They are certainly not sufficient---If I ever find that, I'll quit my day job and make a ton of money. In fact, they may not be necessary. I do think they are helpful.
- A clear goal. There are two problems: first, the child might not know what you want him to do. So if you say, "Set the table," he might just throw the silverware on the table and be done, Make sure he knows what you mean. On the other hand, she might interpret "Go to bed," as "Go to your room and play on your DS." She needs to be encouraged (maybe told) that she can figure out what you mean and you do not need to lawyer the whole thing out.
- No excuses. "I tried, but I was just..." is one of the least attractive phrases he can use. It's OK to fail, that's how you learn. The correct response is, "Well, do it again the right way." And again, and again. I am a Christian, and I live my life in thanksgiving for the infinite forgiveness that Christ offers me. I can forgive my kids...but it helps if we both try to get it right the next time.
- It's got to be important to you. I cannot have a battle with my kids about making beds, because it is not important enough to me. My standard is thinking about what kind of adult I want them to be. If they don't make their beds, that's ok. If they can't keep their room clean, that's not ok and we need to work on it. If they don't eat vegetables at dinner, that's not ok either, and I'm willing to go to bat. The nice thing about only doing this with important things is that when the kids get old enough, you can explain your family's values. "In our family we..." is a useful turn of phrase.
- Achievable, measurable goals. Just saying, "You need to eat more vegetables," is not a clear enough goal. Saying, "Eat 1 serving of veggies for lunch and dinner and a serving of fruit for breakfast," is better. Or, "Take everything out of the car every night," rather than, "Keep the car clean."
- A path to success. The goal is eventually to have the kids obey you even when you are not watching. So help them come up with plans to turn the goals into a habit---keeping fruit and vegetables around, brushing teeth right when you wake up, and so on. For younger kids, the parents guide the path. For younger elementary, parents help plan but expect the kids to follow it by themselves. For older kids, the parents should make sure that there is a plan, but let them come up with something that works for them.
